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Spiders

These damn spiders are trying to eat me!

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#1 Ash

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Posted 27 June 2003 - 09:53 PM

I'm convinced that the spiders outside my house have a plot to try and consume me and possibly some of my family members. I constantly come home late or get up early in the morning to find large obscene strands of spider web stretching from trees to my back porch, or from my roof to a car in the driveway or some such nonsense. These webs must span at least 30 - 45 feet depending on which one we are describing. It never is a complete web, it is usually one or two strands as if a larger web is under development, and they just can't finish it because we keep knocking it down. At first I thought it rather rediculous to think that spiders may be trying to consume humans, but this has been going on since last summer... these spiders obviously possess more intellegence than we credit. If they were to successfully capture a human, they could probably feed for a year or so on just one catch... If we were to go on vacation for like 2 weeks or so, I'm willing to bet they could finish the web in it's entirety and possibly catch us when we get back, or at least catch a cat or sanataion worker.

I advise that you all be on the lookout for such spiders in your own homes, for if they were to succeed, the results would be disaterous. I am currently working on tracking the spiders responsible for these feats of craftsmanship in order to exucte them at once. I cannot allow these spiders to breed and possibly produce another 80 or so offspring to aid them in their venture.
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#2 VACC

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Posted 27 June 2003 - 10:04 PM

Do you believe them to be kind to the spider who attacked you last year in your car. If so, they have balls as well as brains. I too fear the spider threat seeing as spiders seriously creep me out.
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#3 Ash

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Posted 28 June 2003 - 10:01 PM

I believe it is of the same breed of spiders... in fact, I think it may in fact be the very same spider that attempted to eat me in my car last year.
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#4 Evil

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Posted 29 June 2003 - 01:52 AM

You guys crack me up, every single time.
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#5 Ragornocks

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Posted 29 June 2003 - 09:42 AM

...can squirrels eat spiders? Or vica versa?
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hug the fuck out of 'em, philippe!

#6 p8ntballsnowman

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Posted 29 June 2003 - 09:19 PM

Actually spiders DID attack me. About a month ago some kind of spider(not sure cause i didnt see it bite me) bit me in the side. It was fine the first day, just a little mark. The next day it got bigger, and i felt kind of sick. On saturday 3rd day
my fever was like 101. THe welt was really big now, about the size of the palm of my hand. On sunday, my fever was 102, and the welt was about the an inch bigger in diameter than before. I went to the emergency room, and they gave me some kind of medicine, and my fever went down. The welt still hurt like crap, and i had to miss a week of gym cause i could barely move my arm. Spiders suck. They should all be shot.
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#7 Mantis

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Posted 29 June 2003 - 09:44 PM

I used to have a strange breed of cricket in my basement which was MASSIVE. These things had 3 fuckings stingers coming out of their asses, huge ass legs, and antenna (do all crickets? I dont know). Luckily, the LCM came to my aid, and about 6 of us headed under my deck (the presumed HQ for these bastards) and bombed it with water balloons, and tore it apart with heavy weapondry. Then we went to my basement (which has 2 small windows which open into the underside of the deck) and we went after the remainder with rubber band guns and brooms.
It was quite the evening...but the war may not be over.
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#8 Lemmypoo

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Posted 29 June 2003 - 10:22 PM

I used to have a strange breed of cricket in my basement which was MASSIVE. These things had 3 fuckings stingers coming out of their asses, huge ass legs, and antenna (do all crickets? I dont know). Luckily, the LCM came to my aid, and about 6 of us headed under my deck (the presumed HQ for these bastards) and bombed it with water balloons, and tore it apart with heavy weapondry. Then we went to my basement (which has 2 small windows which open into the underside of the deck) and we went after the remainder with rubber band guns and brooms.
It was quite the evening...but the war may not be over.

Right now, Idaho's bug of the summer are moths. Last summer they were huge 1" across bumble bees that flew head first into your chest and then wondered why they stopped moving. Not a real big threat, you could litterally swat them out of the air and stomp on them.

For a while we even had huge mosquitos. They were vicious as well, annoying things.

Now we have huge moths... and maybe 30, 40 in everybody's garages. Now these things aren't a huge problem, but they fly into my head at full speed. About like being hit with a SSPB from 5' away. Not painful, but annoying as hell.

Millions of them and they're huge; when it rains, it pours guys.

Thankfully though, my biggest 'pain in the ass' is gone now. I had a spider or something living in my bed. Every night I would wake up with a new bite on my ass. The thing loved my ass and would come up for a few bites every night. I don't know where it went, I spent a long time searching for it for about a week, but then I geuss it just died-- or got full.
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#9 Zero Talent

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Posted 29 June 2003 - 10:52 PM

I don't know where it went, I spent a long time searching for it for about a week, but then I geuss it just died-- or got full.

...Of ass?
Well, I prefer spiders over the flying bloodsuckers that plague BC. Spiders here are perhaps a bit more docile; I've lived peacefully with 3 in my room at one time, with no bites incurred. Perhaps they're just drunk and angry down south. If anything, those damn mosquitoes are planning against us.. They carry West Nile virus here, and travel in unusually large swarms.. Or there are more swarms.. Either way, I'm pale for a reason.
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#10 merlinski

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Posted 29 June 2003 - 11:06 PM

Makes you think about that genetically-engineered extinction plan for mosquitoes... Maybe they could do it to certain types of spiders that eat people... and giant moths... and anything that looks creepy and can cause pain.
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#11 VACC

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Posted 30 June 2003 - 12:29 AM

...can squirrels eat spiders? Or vica versa?

I'm not getting into the Squirrels here and now. Believe me, you probably don't want me to.....crazy fury little fuckers.

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#12 GunnedDown

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Posted 30 June 2003 - 08:24 AM

Makes you think about that genetically-engineered extinction plan for mosquitoes... Maybe they could do it to certain types of spiders that eat people... and giant moths... and anything that looks creepy and can cause pain.

What about a really big penis?
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#13 wtrent10

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Posted 30 June 2003 - 10:39 AM

ok everyone here's the plan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if we're going to beat these little fuckers (the giant bugs), we're going to need firearms, ammo, and things to sqash them with. from now on everyone must carry the're most powerful gun (even airsoft) with them at all times. if you see a giant bug, destroy it and save the carcus. That way we can post it on a doorpost or something to show the other bugs what they will soon be if they don't stop this attack. Or if one of the bugs still has life left in it, take it in for questioning. torture if neccecary. the war between man and giant insects has begun. and we must end it.
"This movie is the cause for all mental retardation. every kid I see walking down the street slamming their hand against their chest and yelling some incoherent sound I'm gonna point at them and yell, 'NO!!!!!!!! YOU WATCHED SKY CAPTAIN!!!!'"

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#14 MILLENIA008

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Posted 30 June 2003 - 11:18 AM

Actually spiders DID attack me. About a month ago some kind of spider(not sure cause i didnt see it bite me) bit me in the side. It was fine the first day, just a little mark. The next day it got bigger, and i felt kind of sick. On saturday 3rd day
my fever was like 101. THe welt was really big now, about the size of the palm of my hand. On sunday, my fever was 102, and the welt was about the an inch bigger in diameter than before. I went to the emergency room, and they gave me some kind of medicine, and my fever went down. The welt still hurt like crap, and i had to miss a week of gym cause i could barely move my arm. Spiders suck. They should all be shot.

Sounds like P8nt was attacked by a brown recluse or violen spider.
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#15 Mantis

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Posted 30 June 2003 - 12:13 PM

Lemmy, I feel your pain...well not really.
But for the past few nights, I have gone into my room to go to sleep, only to find insects in there! This has never happened before, my windows are always shut, and I never find bugs in the other parts of the house. But I've killed 4 flies, a mosquito, and a june bug since Friday.
I think abiogenisis is not entirely impossible, at least not in my room.
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#16 Pineapple

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Posted 30 June 2003 - 12:32 PM

....if you see a giant bug, destroy it and save the carcus. That way we can post it on a doorpost or something to show the other bugs what they will soon be if they don't stop this attack...

I've tried that, and the other bugs just come and take apart the carcass. Savage.

The solution...chickens. I have quite a number here on the property and they eat everything from the nasty scorpions and centipedes, to the run of the mill pests like cockroaches and crickets. I haven't seen any spiders in my house, except for those little ones that jump to move around. Just swat them with my hand...no problem.

Now what to do about that crowing at 4 in the morning...
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#17 Wads15

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Posted 30 June 2003 - 01:36 PM

Gah! BATS ARE THE ANSWER! Yes, those little mice with wings! Take that! Hmm... anyone have a phobia of bats?
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#18 wtrent10

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Posted 30 June 2003 - 02:29 PM

[QUOTE]The solution...chickens. I have quite a number here on the property and they eat everything from the nasty scorpions and centipedes, to the run of the mill pests like cockroaches and crickets.[QUOTE]

alright then, everybody buy a few dozen chickens!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the war between humans and bugs has begun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"This movie is the cause for all mental retardation. every kid I see walking down the street slamming their hand against their chest and yelling some incoherent sound I'm gonna point at them and yell, 'NO!!!!!!!! YOU WATCHED SKY CAPTAIN!!!!'"

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#19 merlinski

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Posted 30 June 2003 - 03:47 PM

Sounds like P8nt was attacked by a brown recluse or violen spider.

Fill me in on what exactly those are, I used to know but I've forgotten. The biggest (and creepiest looking) spider I've seen around my area (upstate NY) is the Wolf Spider. Those things move so fucking fast.
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#20 MILLENIA008

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Posted 30 June 2003 - 05:56 PM

A violen spider is a small brown furry spider, about the size of a quarter counting it's legs. On it's abdomen is a design that looks kind of like a violen/viola etc. Certain of the species can kill in 6 hours, p8nt luckily didn't run into one of those.
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#21 Ash

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Posted 30 June 2003 - 06:34 PM

Lemmy - Possibly the spider was living in your ass. There are worms that live in your ass... so why not spiders?

Mantis - Yes, I have also been plauged by the gigantic fucking crickets that like to hang out in the basement. We always just let them hang every year, until one year I decided to go apeshit on them and kill them all. They never came back after that.

Wtrent - You always seem to give support to my argument that you simply should not speak.
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#22 wtrent10

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Posted 30 June 2003 - 08:46 PM

what do you mean ash??????????????
"This movie is the cause for all mental retardation. every kid I see walking down the street slamming their hand against their chest and yelling some incoherent sound I'm gonna point at them and yell, 'NO!!!!!!!! YOU WATCHED SKY CAPTAIN!!!!'"

~James

#23 rawray7

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Posted 30 June 2003 - 10:37 PM

what do you mean ash??????????????

i think that is exactly what he means.
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#24 Groove

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Posted 01 July 2003 - 01:34 AM

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#25 Lemmypoo

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Posted 01 July 2003 - 01:45 AM

Lemmy - Possibly the spider was living in your ass. There are worms that live in your ass... so why not spiders?

I am quite sure there are no spiders in my ass, I told the worms "no pets allowed."

About shooting bugs, it works quite well! I keep a few rounds loaded into my Spring mk.23 (don't want to give a "plastic texture" to the walls, I will keep my AEG shelved thank-you-very-much) and shoot any flies larger than about a centimeter. I'm a pretty good shot :(

And the chickens. Yes, the chickens. Chickens don't work buddy, ever see a moth eat a chicken? It's not pleasant. Plus chickens can't be kept anywhere near the house, they have like shit cannons built into their ass.

Also, apparently the moths have a CULT NOW!

http://www.orishanet.com/mothra/

We must burn the heathens! I am declaring martian law until we can destroy these bastards! Away!
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