Jump to content


Photo

A Poem By Deadshooter711


10 replies to this topic

#1 Echnalaid

Echnalaid

    Member

  • Members
  • 981 posts
  • Location:East Brunswick, NJ

Posted 24 September 2008 - 02:20 PM

I'm sorry if this is in the wrong section. I wasn't sure between General Nerf or Wars.

Deadshooter 711 sent me this cool poem he wrote for english class. Tell me what you think.

EDIT- Final Copy

Nerf war expectation

We wait to get selected for our teams and
Get into groups; and then our team captains are chosen,
And our rules are stated.
We have a long day ahead.

We set up our bases and choose our blasters.
We get our positions and battle plans ready
And the war begins.
2 teams and equal amount of people on
Each side, it’s an even game. We fire our blasters and
Dodge darts. The tension to not get hit
And the thought of not losing.
We face each other and one must
Win. The game ends and we take a break.

We meet new people and make new friends. We
Learn new things and gain new blasters.
We have a fun and a long day, and the memory of
It all will last forever.

It's a free verse. And DS711 has never been to war, he's just basing it all on the intensive searching he's done.

Edited by Echnalaid, 24 September 2008 - 04:24 PM.

  • 0
There was something on the bottom of the ad that said erotyka. Sounds like something spicy -Renegademilitia15

#2 mind13

mind13

    Member

  • Members
  • 48 posts
  • Location:Medford,NJ

Posted 24 September 2008 - 02:55 PM

His poem probably should be somwhere else.

Edited by mind13, 24 September 2008 - 05:27 PM.

  • 0
Life comes at you fast yet a foam dart comes faster
Mind13


#3 Langley

Langley

    LGLF - Since 2002

  • Administrators
  • 2,988 posts

Posted 24 September 2008 - 02:56 PM

It's Poetry. On the Internet. Get that shit out of here and go back to MySpace. There's no place for poetry in the Nerf Wars forum.
  • 0

You can poop in my toilet anytime champ.

2016 Nerf War Schedule
Bless you, my son. Now recite 3 New Members Guides and 5 Code of Conducts for your sins.


#4 Ubermensch

Ubermensch

    Member

  • Members
  • 1,054 posts
  • Location:Cross River, New York 10518

Posted 24 September 2008 - 03:17 PM

Uh, how is this poetry? It seems like story chopped up into blocky sections.
  • 0
"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe."-Carl Sagan
Nerf Rocket Air Launcher

#5 Echnalaid

Echnalaid

    Member

  • Members
  • 981 posts
  • Location:East Brunswick, NJ

Posted 24 September 2008 - 03:19 PM

Uh, how is this poetry? It seems like story chopped up into blocky sections.

Well, in poetry there really is no point. Should this have been in off topic? I thought it would be a nice read.
  • 0
There was something on the bottom of the ad that said erotyka. Sounds like something spicy -Renegademilitia15

#6 Icespartan 1114

Icespartan 1114

    Do NOT buy/sell with me

  • DO NOT TRADE
  • 934 posts
  • Location:Philly, PA 19087

Posted 24 September 2008 - 03:43 PM

Ok, I have entered poetry contests before so I'm going to try to help him here. I would say that this sounds more like a story or even just stating the rules then a poem. Do you get that? Tell him to add in some words that rhyme and then it should flow better. :), But good none the less.
  • 0
QUOTE(Zaxbys @ Mar 2 2009, 02:08 PM) View Post
I won't be there til about 1-2...

Church... gotta soak up that Jesus!


NERFSTRONG #51

#7 Echnalaid

Echnalaid

    Member

  • Members
  • 981 posts
  • Location:East Brunswick, NJ

Posted 24 September 2008 - 03:49 PM

Tell him to add in some words that rhyme and then it should flow better. :), But good none the less.

Poems don't have to rhyme, they just need a beat to it. He's probably reading this now, so he should now what to do.
  • 0
There was something on the bottom of the ad that said erotyka. Sounds like something spicy -Renegademilitia15

#8 Carbon

Carbon

    Contriberator

  • Moderators
  • 1,893 posts
  • Location:Milwaukee, WI
  • State:Wisconsin
  • Country:United States

Posted 24 September 2008 - 03:57 PM

Personally, my enjoyment of this piece was increased immensely by imagining it as a song that was performed by Wesley Willis.

We wait to get chosen and then get into groups;
We have a long day ahead.

We get our bases set up and select our blasters.
Once selected we get our positions ready and the Battle begins.

NERF WAR EXPECTATION!
NERF WAR EXPECTATION!
NERF WAR EXPECTATION!
NERF WAR EXPECTATION!

No, I'm not ripping on it. I like Wesley.

But seriously, I’d offer that the title has little to do with the subject matter. Expectation is an emotional state, whereas the subject matter is largely action/description. EDIT: Unless the poem is just listing what you expect to happen at a war. *shrug*

Edited by Carbon, 24 September 2008 - 04:06 PM.

  • 0
Hello. I am Indigo of the Rainbow Clan. You Nerfed my father. Prepare to die.

#9 Icespartan 1114

Icespartan 1114

    Do NOT buy/sell with me

  • DO NOT TRADE
  • 934 posts
  • Location:Philly, PA 19087

Posted 24 September 2008 - 04:01 PM

Tell him to add in some words that rhyme and then it should flow better. :), But good none the less.

Poems don't have to rhyme, they just need a beat to it. He's probably reading this now, so he should now what to do.


I know that it just doesn't really seem to flow, Just needs work. Other then that it good.
  • 0
QUOTE(Zaxbys @ Mar 2 2009, 02:08 PM) View Post
I won't be there til about 1-2...

Church... gotta soak up that Jesus!


NERFSTRONG #51

#10 Talio

Talio

    Not your mother

  • Contributors
  • 2,781 posts

Posted 24 September 2008 - 04:52 PM

I want everyone but Langley to die in this thread. Seriously, post this on NHQ, not here, you're just gonna get a bunch of dudes calling you emo.

Talio.
  • 0
New posts on my blog, check it out. - Click on the ad too, cause I get money per click. Give back to the Admin team for once!

#11 SirTofu

SirTofu

    Member

  • Members
  • 424 posts
  • Location:Decatur, Ga

Posted 25 September 2008 - 03:28 PM

It's not just poetry you're posting on the internet, but shitty poetry. Shitty poetry about nerf.
  • 0
Nobody online Nerfs in the SE :(


0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users