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An old writing conversion

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#1 Davis

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Posted 03 May 2005 - 07:02 PM

I was bored, so I wanted a writing challenge. I took a short story that I had written in about 5 minutes as a sort of resume to get introduced to the Fan Fiction community for Blizzard games (Starcraft, Warcraft, etc).

I took the file and edited the story to fit Nerf. It was actually quite fun. Anyway, I'm pretty sure that it sounds rediculous, but maybe you'll think otherwise.

Keep in mind, this was originally written about WarCraft, a game about Orcs and crap, so it sounds awkward. I might be able to find the original, despite have saving over it, if anyone needs it.

         Darkness. The pounding of water upon plastic and flesh. And that fatal darkness.
     
     The men lowered their eyes from the heavens which had opened upon them. Their eyes
drifted down to their crude plastic weaponry they held defiantly, giving them a reason in this 
world. Now every set of eyes of the thousands of men rose in unison to their foes across the bubbling stream.
     
     Noone knows which side made it occur, but both factions suddenly were rushing across
the flowing stream, the water bouncing against their ankles. One man stood out, or rather didn't
stand out, against this huge group. Neither tall nor strong, this man swaggered with defiance,
holding his shiny, almost heavenly-appearing Nitefinder in his hands.
     
     The experienced veterans of the other team froze for a moment as they saw the fire in the man's eyes,
quickly returned to their scowling, raised their guns triumphantly, and laughed at the sight. The
man ignored all of this, even as his comrades slowed down, seeing the surprised expression that
would eternally stay on the man he shot first.
     
     He went on a bloody rampage, shooting and reloading instrinctively at all he saw as he ran straight
through the men. Before he knew it, his darts were shooting into the distance, and he turned around to find he
had passed all of them. His gap in the group quickly filled in, and soon all of the glances of the
small army was upon him. He beamed a crazy little smile, delighted with his heroism, but
oblivious to his foolishness.
     
     All of a sudden there was a burning at his leg, and he grabbed it and winced, glancing upon the dart near his feet, the weight of 3 BBs, and a huge glob of glue that was his demise. He gulped, seeing the Stefan a second before it nailed him right between the eyes.
     
     And then there was darkness. That fatal darkness.

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QUOTE ("Devious")
2. Laugh like a maniac as you pummel them with your balls.

#2 fastkill

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Posted 03 May 2005 - 07:40 PM

Wow thats good!

Edited by fastkill, 03 May 2005 - 07:40 PM.

New Breed

#3 The Infinite Shindig

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Posted 03 May 2005 - 07:46 PM

I think it's time that I reiterate what Talio said in Shotty_Master's topics. Haven is not a writing forum. I understand that you tried to adapt something you wrote to Nerf, but it actually still remains more of a free lance writing for another community all together.

Let's not start a trend here. If you want feedback on your writing, go to forums that accomodate that. We're here to Nerf.
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#4 i h8 hippies

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Posted 03 May 2005 - 08:02 PM

Sounds a bit like mad libs but it's still good.
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#5 Ash

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Posted 03 May 2005 - 09:34 PM

Honestly, you need to work on some grammar issues. You have a tendency to write awkward sentences that run a bit on the long side. You want to becareful not to shift tense and you need to avoid awkward sentences. There are some awkward phrases, such as "No one knows which side made it occur" that need to be trimmed down to something a bit more cohesive. Also, the phrase at the end of the sentence "the water bouncing against their ankles" makes it a bit of a run-on sentence.

Other than the awkward sentences and such (which can easily be fixed), it's not a bad little piece.
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Name's Ash, Housewares

#6 Davis

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Posted 04 May 2005 - 03:05 PM

Honestly, you need to work on some grammar issues. You have a tendency to write awkward sentences that run a bit on the long side. You want to becareful not to shift tense and you need to avoid awkward sentences. There are some awkward phrases, such as "No one knows which side made it occur" that need to be trimmed down to something a bit more cohesive. Also, the phrase at the end of the sentence "the water bouncing against their ankles" makes it a bit of a run-on sentence.

Other than the awkward sentences and such (which can easily be fixed), it's not a bad little piece.

That's because, like I said, it was adapted from a piece written in 5 minutes, in about a minute. Its supposed to sound awkward and Effeminate, but the original was much better, but I saved over it. Shindig, my deepest apologies.
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QUOTE ("Devious")
2. Laugh like a maniac as you pummel them with your balls.

#7 LordoftheRing434

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Posted 04 May 2005 - 09:57 PM

Very nice piece Davis, I was interested throughout the whole thing. It's good for 5 minutes. It kind of reminds of one of my good old buddies Stephen Crane...
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And when he gets to Heaven, to St. Peter he will tell, "One more soldier reporting sir, I've served my time in hell."

"I bluff it. I don't throw my weight around and say I know what I'm doing." ~ Mick Jagger


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