25 replies to this topic

[Shotty Master]

sorry for the long post, i hope you enjoy violence!

OPERATION
FROZEN DUNGEON




One day during December1965, somewhere in an underground bunker, an elite team of U.S. commandos prepare for a covert operation in Northern Russia. Their names are Jack “Sparky” Malone, Tim “Ace” Jones, Mark Sanders, Paul O’riley, and Chet. No one really knows Chet’s last name, and he likes it that way.
Sparky is an expert in capturing enemy facilities, he gets his name from his history as a firefighter. Ace is an expert engineer; his nickname comes from his record of being an experienced pilot. Mark is known for his demolition skills. Paul is the Marine’s best loser. He killed 210 North Korean Officers during the Korean War. Last, but certainly not least, Chet is extremely skilled in military tactics.
The National Security Association (NSA) has formed this team as a Marine/NSA joint rescue op. They are to infiltrate a prison where American POW Gary Powers is being held. After intense negotiations with the Soviet government, they still refuse to release him.
Each team member will be carrying M-4 machine guns, a Colt 1944 pistol, and a bowie knife. Paul is carrying a special RA469 loser rifle. Mark is carrying 20lbs of high explosives. They all board a special DC-7, and prepare for takeoff. They put parachutes on and get ready to be taken twenty miles N. E. of the Australian/Russian border. About five minutes later they run through an equipment check. After securing every last bit of equipment to their packs, they open the door and wait for a single light to turn green. As soon as it does they all jump, one after another.
They glide down slowly on their rectangular parachutes. In the distance they can see the lights from the prison camp. When they hit the ground they hear warning sirens coming from the prison camp. The five men draw their M-4’s and lay down in the snow. They sat and surveyed the horizon, hoping the Russians didn’t see them, but then they spotted several men on skis carrying AK-47’s moving towards them.
Chet, being the rogue in the group, hopped up and opened fire. The first ski patrolman fell, as did the second, but the third fired back, hitting Chet in the stomach and chest. He fell over dead instantly. The others fired back, but stayed low. They quickly killed off the last two ski patrolmen.
The team, now consisting of only four men, moved towards the building. They moved to the door, and as suspected, there were guards three with machine guns and one with a Luger pistol.
Ace prepared to turn the corner and shoot, but Paul stopped him. “You do that and you invite every person in this whole darn place to come and shoot us,” Paul told Ace. Paul pulled out a stun grenade and chucked it around the corner. Before the guards could do anything, the grenade went off, and they all fell sprawled out on the ground.
Ace rounded the corner and pulled out a silenced Colt 1944. He shot all of the guards and the team moved on.
They found the door was made of an extremely strong metal alloy. They were faced with a decision, blow the door or find another way in. “All right,” Sparky said, “Mark you set a timed satchel charge for thirty seconds and run. Ace and Paul, get your M-4 out and get with me, we will go and hide behind the corner. When the door blows, Mark will throw a high impact anti-personnel grenade. Then we all run in shooting.”
Sparky, Ace, and Paul hid. About fifteen seconds later, Mark lunged behind them. As soon as he did the charge went off. Mark hurled the grenade into the hall behind the door. They heard several screams when it went off.
The four commandos ran in and opened fire. They stopped quickly, though, because they realized all the guards in the room were dead. They walked slowly between bodies and quickly looked around the corner. When they did, they moved back quickly because there were several people in a command station-styled room. The team hadn’t been seen fortunately. Ace looked at Mark, and Mark said “I don’t have any more frag grenades.” “All I have are flash-bang stunners,” Ace muttered, “but they’ll just have to do.” So he threw them and covered his ears and eyes. Suddenly, there was a muffled bang, followed by the thuds of bodies hitting the floor. The team rushed in only to be met with gunfire from a walkway above.
They all ran for cover behind large computers. They heard foot steps on metal stairs moving toward them. Ace instinctively turned around the corner of the computer and fired his machine gun. The officers that had attacked them fell down the stairs dead.
Ace ran over to the computer and did a prison search for “Gary Powers”. The other three men gave him cover, Ace located Gary. “Paul, he is in block M43, cell 429. You go and get him; Sparky, Mark, and I will stay here.”
Paul headed off to the cell bay. Ace tried to locate a few more POWs. He was trying to break the access code when he heard gunshots behind him. It was then that he realized they hadn’t shot the technicians they had stunned. Sparky and Mark took the first two out, but the last one got to Ace. The technician took out his Luger and sat it behind Ace’s ear. He ordered them to surrender or else he would shoot Ace. Sparky reluctantly surrendered, but Mark held steadfast. Suddenly, a loud crack filled the air as the Luger went off, killing Ace. The technician immediately turned the gun towards Mark. Just in the nick of time, Paul appeared and shot the technician.
“Glad you could join us,” said Mark.
“I was in the neighborhood, “said Paul, grinning.
The team got serious again. Mark started setting some c4 around the control room while Paul treated Gary for minor cuts and bruises. Sparky called for an extraction chopper.
“Good to hear from you, we were starting to get worried. We will have an extraction team there in five minutes, Over and out,” a commander told Sparky over the radio.
Mark finished setting the mines, and Paul helped Gary to his feet, then the foursome left. Upon exiting the building, the group saw a watch tower that they hadn’t noticed on the way in. Using a pair of binoculars, Paul looked at the hut on top of it.
“Get back there is a guard up there” said Paul. Everyone got back inside and Paul put an armor piercing bullet into the chamber of his bolt action loser rifle. He had Mark shoot the windows out of the door. Paul then looked through his rifles scope, took a deep breath, and gently squeezed the trigger. “Missed,” Paul muttered. He then chambered another round, aimed, but before he was even fully on target, the guard fired his rifle. Paul fell backwards dead. Mark couldn’t see an entry hole, but he knew what happened because there was a hole right through Paul’s scope.
Mark pulled out his M4 and went outside. He immediately ran towards the tower about half way, he remembered to zigzag as he ran. He ducked as clouds of snow erupted from the ground next to him. He was almost to the tower when a bullet ripped through his arm. It slowed him some, but he made it to the tower. He slung the M4 across his back, and started climbing the ladder with his good arm. It was slow going, but he managed to ascend the ladder. He quickly drew his pistol and then secured the area around him. The loser was nowhere in site. Then Mark saw the door to the hut that sat atop the tower. He grinned impishly. He holstered his pistol. He then pulled a small brick of C4 out and set it against the door, and stuck a blasting cap into it. Then he pulled out a spool of Prim Cord and inserted the end of it into the cap. He dropped the spool over the edge and slowly climbed down the ladder. Once down, he set off the Prim Cord. The whole tower burst into a spectacular array of red, orange, and yellow. Mark looked up as he heard the familiar sound of a Blackhawk.
Mark, Sparky, and Gary were all air-lifted to an Austrian airport where they all boarded a 707 to DC. All got the next day off. Gary went home to his wife. Mark and Sparky went to a memorial service for Ace, Chet, and Paul. They all received a Silver Star and Yellow Stripe; all but Sparky received a Purple Heart.

[Evil]

Some history might make it more amusing to those of us with some general military history knowledge. The Marines' greatest loser happens to be this gentleman.

Courtesy of bobtuley.com

"With probably more than 300 kills during the Vietnam War, Carlos Hathcock is the most famous loser in United States History. The North Vietnamese put a $30,000 bounty on his head and called him "Long Trang" or White Feather. Hathcock was once accredited with hitting a NVA at 2,500 yards with a special scope-adapted .50 caliber machine gun converted to single shot operation. The year before going to Vietnam, Carlos won top honors at the National Rifle matches at Camp Perry Ohio. Hathcock began honing his rifle skills at an early age bringing home food for the family table in rural Arkansas. When an armored vehicle he was riding in hit a mine and caught fire in Vietnam, he was sent back to the U.S. to recover from extensive burns. Although he was unable to return to Vietnam, he put his efforts into establishing the Scout/loser school at Quantico Virginia. Here, Hathcock spoke against the "John Wayne" mentality of many soldiers, always emphasising skill and quiet deliberate thought as essential to be an effective loser. Sadly, what the North Vietnamese couldn't do, was finally done by the slow debilitating disease of multiple sclerosis at the age of 57"

I've read his biography and other books about him. The man defies anything you could imagine.

EDIT: The year is 1965 in this story. You can get away with your loser character.

EDIT: The M4 in your story is almost 40 years away from being developed and distributed to US military operators.

Edited by Evil, 27 April 2005 - 03:35 PM.

[Shotty Master]

I know, but the public anouncement of the B2 bomber was actually 10 years after it had been in use. if they had a stealth plane in the mid- late '70s, then they could have had an m4. aside from that, i just wanted to give them something impressive, which the M16A1 ( hardly even issued at that point ) just wasnt. And i know 'bout carlos. his most famous kill was of a vietcong loser whom he shot through his ( the enemy's) scope.

[Spaztic 75]

To be honest, the intro is bland and almost made me want to stop reading. You stated too many things outright, you need to give the charechters more depth, coming out and saying Chet was a rougue was not good, let your charechters personas be revealed by there actions. Your word choise could be better, thesuarus is a writers best friend. Everything is happening too fast, you need to take more time to get describe the situation, the man is rescued only a few paragraphs after he is mentioned.
Just some constructive critisism from a fellow writer.

[Shotty Master]

Thanks, i intended it to move quickly though. I will try and remember to actually USE my thesaurus.

[Evil]

A secret B2 is a tad different from a mass distributed assault rifle. I see your history and logic flawed here. Just give him some other manly gun.

Edited by Evil, 27 April 2005 - 04:01 PM.

[Shotty Master]

well, the m60 is a little oversized for this and a de .50 pistol is a little small.

[THIRST]

Suggestions:

More detail:Example
Sweat glistened down Paul's tensed features, his sharp eyes smoothly lining up with his Standard Issue M4 sights onto the neck of a far-too-late-alert guard, finger putting slight pressure on the trigger. His finger twiched Roughly pulling the trigger back. The guard fell in a heap as 3 shots hit the other side of a wall. Without a glance he lined up for the next shot. Pain lanced through his left side as his face lit up in pain. He briefly glanced at his side, showing a protusion made by the .308 shot from the Hesse made ak47. Sweat ran down Paul's temples as he realized the bullet had not peirced his kevlar. He immediatly caused death as the trigger was pulled back.

"Clear!" Joe yelled as the clinking of a shell hit the ground.

This is my writing style, but make it more first person, less 3rd person, its much more interesting.

THIRST

[Shotty Master]

just saying, i wanted everyone who read it to vote.

[BoltMasterZero]

Its a good start, however as Thirst said, you should make it more detailed.

[Shotty Master]

Again, thanks for the input. eveen if there are no votes for great, i still intend to post my next one, if the admins dont mind.

[Evil]

well, the m60 is a little oversized for this and a de .50 pistol is a little small.

Those are the only two manly guns that come to mind?

What about the M14? One of the most reliable assault rifles ever to see combat?

Thompson? Small with the punch of a .45?

M1? The Garand was still effective and used in the 60s by some outfits.

M60 sounds fine. It's kinda gooney but most bad-guy dropping guns of the time were somewhat cumbersome (as was the case with the M14). It was released in 1957 with the intentions of being an effective counterpart to the M14.

There is some correlation between the 7.62 commonly used round of the day, and the size of guns. I suppose bigger rounds mean bigger guns? Now that most Western nations use 5.56 we've definitely seen smaller but powerful guns created. Perhaps its more comparable to the trends of the auto industry. Back in the day all our cars were boats with wheels, now many are more reasonably sized. Time means efficiency?

Oh and as far as I know the Desert Eagle isn't released by IMI (Israeli Military Industry) for some years after 1965. I don't think development even started until the late 70s.

Edited by Evil, 27 April 2005 - 04:51 PM.

[Shotty Master]

I didnt mean those were the only two, i simply meant i think they are the most manly. However, i dont want this to be a battle of military history/knowledge.

[Evil]

I didnt mean those were the only two, i simply meant i think they are the most manly. However, i dont want this to be a battle of military history/knowledge.

Well if you're going to write a military oriented piece of fiction it's best that you make sure you have a disclaimer for History majors!

Edited by Evil, 27 April 2005 - 04:53 PM.

[Shotty Master]

Just a side note : all stories are copywritten and are not to be used without my permission.

[Jin Kazama]

lol, I wouldn't worry about anyone stealing your stories....

I read it, and it was intresting, but lacked depth as everyone said. Your cast of characters was a little unrealistic, but it gave the story some zest.

The No-last-name guy Chet, is probably one of the least intresting descriptions I have ever heard.

[Shotty Master]

thats the point. at the time, i thought it aded an aire of mystery.

[merlinski]

A few more military history things:

Blackhawk - first deployed in 1978.
Regarding the weapon - you could potentially use the CAR-15, I believe that was the carbine version of the M16 used in Vietnam and I think it entered service before 1965.
The Russians wouldn't have a Luger - probably a Tokarev.
I'm not sure if flashbangs were used by the military that early.

Just thought I'd throw those out there.

[Groove]

A few more military history things:

Blackhawk - first deployed in 1978.
Regarding the weapon - you could potentially use the CAR-15, I believe that was the carbine version of the M16 used in Vietnam and I think it entered service before 1965.
The Russians wouldn't have a Luger - probably a Tokarev.
I'm not sure if flashbangs were used by the military that early.

Just thought I'd throw those out there.

Very perceptive, Mer. In addition to that Shotty, I think you meant Colt 1911's, not 1944's. Despite the many versions every few years, the design has pretty much stayed true to it's original form. My Father and I have a firearm collection and we own two 1911's, from Springfield Armory and Browning - in addition to an AR-15 from Rock River Arms (civilian version of the M-16 with all the improvements in jamming and functionality over the years). The CAR-15 seems like a plausible choice of main weapon, also.

Other than the notable military history issues, the writing seems to have some problems with tense and voice. I agree with THIRST, third person would be much easier and exciting to read. The problems with tense (IE - They flew down on their parachutes,...they are carrying...) can be fixed very easily.

It sounds like you had the action perfectly pictured and choreographed in your head, and I can see evidence of that. Just looks like you had a few problems putting your ideas down into words, which is always the hardest thing to do.

-Groove out.

[Talio]

thats the point. at the time, i thought it aded an aire of mystery.

http://nerfhaven.com...?act=boardrules

Read.

Since when did Nerf Haven become a leading literary web forum? And why is Merlinski still posting? Chirst, he wouldn't know a nerf dart if I shot it up his ass with Bolt's CO2 gun.

Morale - it's Spring and no one here is an expert on literature.

Talio.

[Shotty Master]

Talio, its called off topic for a reason...

[THIRST]

You'll learn in good time that Talio means retribution in Latin. If he eats you, you're going to have a tough time explaining to your parents why you were eaten by a viking.

Basically, no one cares about the storys on this forum, off-topic or not.

THIRST

[AirApache]

Gary Powers is the U2 guy right?

It would be a lot cooler if you made it a video game. At first I thought the link to Carlos was Carlos Illich Ramirez, who besides being the fictional character in the Bourne series was actually one of the most feared assassins on the face of earth.

[Evil]

Gary Powers is the U2 guy right?

Yes, Gary Powers is the U2 gentleman of 1960.

[Grinch]

Just a side note : all stories are copywritten and are not to be used without my permission.

No offense, but has anyone actually tried to steal one?