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[The Infinite Shindig]

The Ten Commandments Of Nerfing

Yes yes I know this article is severely late... You see the trouble was that as hard as I tried I could not come up with a suitable topic for this article. I think I've pretty much said all that I want to say on the long range Nerf war thing, and I think everyone is getting tired of hearing me rant about that crap anyway. I also needed to get away from those seven page long (in Word at least) articles, as they were killing my wrists (which I need for mast...icating). This was all on my mind yesterday when I called my only semblance of ãfriendä that I have, over to my house for a small Nerf war. For diplomatic reasons, this friends' name will not be used. Instead, we'll call him Tiberius The Wonder Turd, or for short ãMr. Tä. Now I'm pathetic, so therefore I really don't have any friends, so when I Nerf, it's with like three other people MAX, two of which are family. So we all get together and start Nerfing. Now on Friday I had also Nerfed and had a pretty good day for myself, winning two out of three wars, including one where I was outnumbered. I was hoping to repeat that yesterday. However I overlooked one CRITICAL aspect: Mr. T Nerfs like a panty-stealing goddamn little bitch.

Admittedly, overlooking this was a grave mistake, but hey, who knew? Needless to say, I lost pretty much every war. Why? I still can't figure that out. I refuse to believe that he's better than me, because I'm conceited, and therefore after some thorough investigating I have determined that it's because he plays like a cheap whore. Perhaps I'm just jealous, but this opinion is based on many observations. How does Mr. T play like a bitch? Well first off, he uses a Powerclip and a little fucking Supermaxx 250 (the kind with four rotating pegs you stick micros onto). What he does is, the minute you shoot (this sucked when I used the Crossbow before), he charges you with that fucking little POS gun and hits you. Then gloats. That's bad enough, but now that I'm packing full and semi-auto power that's a rare occasion. What he does that REALLY pisses me (and everyone else that day) off is the fact that he seemingly NEVER misses, at least in his eyes, and no matter what you can NEVER hit him. Part of this is because if he doesn't feel the shot, he'll deny it, and the other part is because he's so goddamn skinny it's like trying to shoot a mechanical pencil. The guys's 19 with a freaking 16 inch waistline. He also does lame stuff like magically hears you sneaking up and just sticks the gun around the corner and unloads in your damn face. Then laughs at you. Then eats your food. Needless to say, these antics, combined with his ãspiritedä play, made the war frustrating and lame for me because I'm a sore loser, and I couldn't stand to lose to someone so cheeky. This is all a shame because outside of the Nerf arena, he's a pretty cool (if slightly odd) guy, and I like being around him. So if you're reading this Mr. T, it's cool. However give him a Nerf gun, and you want to crap in your hand and throw it at him. Are the things he does fair? In the strictest sense, yes. Are they beneficial to the fun of the Nerf war? Hell no. So anyway as I'm driving him home, the perfect idea for an article suddenly donned on me. We need a Nerf etiquette guide. BADLY. As always, I am up to the challenge. However this guide MUST be distributed and used. If you're planning a war, print it out and distribute it, especially to new people. If you've got a Nerf site, put it on your site (just give me credit, dig?). This etiquette guide will do no good if the same damn 25 people (which is really the number of people who post on the boards now) read it over and over again. Therefore, without further ado, here is the guide:

1. Thou shalt follow the rules.
Every good Nerf war host will explain the rules before a war. Especially if there are new people present. Listen to them, and follow them to the letter. Don't try to bend or stretch the rules. For example if you're playing capture the flag and the rules state that the flag must be accessible to the enemy, don't bend the rules by hiding it.

2. Thou shalt be honest about thy neighbors' hits.
If someone hits you, even if nobody else saw, be honest and take the hit. It makes the war more fun for everyone when people are honest. Remember this though, 80% of the time (especially if you're moving) you will NEVER feel the shot hit you. If someone says they hit you, and the dart is in a position to make that possible (ie. Not 5 feet behind you) then take the shot. You know, like ãIn The Line of Fireä with Clint Eastwood. Coupled with this, always be honest about YOUR hits on other people. If you saw a dart hit someone then make sure he knows he was hit. However if you did not ACTUALLY SEE the dart BOUNCE OFF your enemy, and he says he wasn't hit (and the dart position confirms this) then accept the fact that you missed. Make sure you are clear on the rules regarding grazes, ricochets, and gun hits prior to the battle.

3. Thou shalt not be a poor sport.
This one is easy, and is something you SHOULD know already. Don't gloat if you win, don't whine when you lose. Keep in mind that the occasional smack talk is perfectly acceptable, but when the chips are down and you win, don't make your opponent feel bad. Likewise, when you lose or get hit, don't be a whiny bitch and complain. You WILL get hit in a Nerf war, lots. It's just a part of the game. Roll with the flow.

4. Thou shalt not take thy game too seriously.
Sure we take the game seriously on some levels. We max out our custom guns, make our own ammo, and endlessly discuss tactics. However you must always remember that Nerf, as fun as it is, is a GAME. Nothing more. It doesn't determine your worth as a person, it doesn't make you cooler, and in fact your friends probably laugh at you because you Nerf. Just remember that it's a game, and don't forget WHY you Nerf. Because it's FUN. The whole goal of a Nerf war is not to win, not to have the best gun, not to get the most kills but to have fun. Don't get too wrapped up in winning and losing and just try to play to have fun. If you find yourself getting too heated and frustrated, just back off for a minute and consider the big picture. You're with a bunch of geeks, shooting toys foam guns at each other while wearing full camouflage and overall taking Nerf more seriously than it was ever intended. There, don't you feel better?

5. Thou shalt not hit or disturb civilians.
This one's important, especially if you Nerf at outdoor public locations (namely, parks). It is absolutely essential that NOBODY shoots non-Nerfers, or even shoots CLOSE to them. If there are little kids present, don't even go NEAR them. If there are adults present, don't disturb them. Be courteous. If people ask you to leave a park, leave. It may be a public park but I GARAUNTEE that if the cops are called YOU will be the ones at fault, for using the park against it's intended purpose. Be polite, be friendly, let other kids play who happen to be there. Doing so will really help improve the image people associate with our kind, and will make things easier in the future. Another important thing is if there are people around, especially kids, don't curse. We all get excited, and we all yell profane stuff, but for the love of Jehovah put a sock in it when there are people around. Screaming nasty euphemisms at a public park will endear you to nobody.

6. Thou shalt not use thy neighbors' stuff without permission.
Another obvious, but often broken rule. It's simple really, don't use someone else's stuff, whether it's a gun, tools or ammo, without first asking permission. It just makes everything seem more friendly overall. Would YOU want some greasy fingered ten year old manhandling YOUR new custom Crossbow without asking you? Didn't think so. It's common courtesy.

7. Thou shalt pick up thy ammo.
During a war, try to pick up your ammo (ESPECIALLY if your using someone else's ammo) during the war as you go. Or at least remember where you shoot how many shots so you can go back later. It is VERY impolite to lose other people's ammo, and it sucks to loose your own. After the war, help everyone else look for ammo on the battlefield. Before the war, mark ALL your darts and keep a careful count of how many you have of each. It will make things go much smoother all around. Do NOT steal people's ammo, it's just plain lame.

8. Thou shalt not be late to the Nerf war.
Have you ever heard the expression ãEarly is on time, on time is late, and late is unacceptableä? Well it's true, both in Real Lifeú (that thing your parents say you don't live in yet) and in Nerf wars. Nobody likes to wait, and certainly nobody likes to wait for Nerf, and ESPECIALLY nobody likes to wait for your sorry ass to show up to Nerf. Be polite, be there a bit early, or at least on time. If you know you will be late, let the war organizers know. If you find yourself suddenly behind schedule, get in touch with them if you can, or at the very least apologize when you finally arrive and assume the position for a beating.

9. Thou shalt work to promote the sport.
Do you like to Nerf? Well not many people have experienced it yet, and as a Nerfer it is YOUR MISSION to promote the sport of Nerf, and to bring new Nerfers in. Get your friends to try it. As incredulous as they may be at first, once they try it they'll more than likely want to do it again. Recruit people watching you as you Nerf in parks, recruit parents of Nerfers (dads typically love to Nerf). Without a large player base, Nerf will always be looked on as ãa stupid kids gameä. All of you dreaming about a national Nerf war, or a large scale tournament had better wake up and realize that none of those have a chance in hell of happening unless more people start Nerfing. A LOT more. The only people who can get others to Nerf, are Nerfers themselves.

10. Thou shalt not be a bitch.
This one covers pretty much anything I left out. Don't be a bitch. Don't be lame, don't be annoying, don't be dangerous, don't be stupid, don't be immature, don't moon anybody. All of the things that seem obvious but I nevertheless see people do. Go with the flow, work with your team. If they all want to try a tactic, go along with it. Don't just go lonewolf, nobody likes that. Don't be an immature idiot, and don't fight like a bitch. Any idiot can just stick their gun around a corner, or hide behind a closed door with just the gun sticking out, but only a true warrior can summon the testicular fortitude to take his enemies out toe to toe. Be that warrior.

Spoon