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[The Infinite Shindig]

Listen, It's Just Not Working Out

Listen Sharpshooter 2, can I talk to you? Ok have a seat...oh right I forgot, well ok. Ummm. I just don't think this is working out......I think it would be best for both of us if we......you know, tried something different. I mean, I've been kind of unhappy with the way our relationship has been going lately, I think you have been too. You're a great gun, I mean you feel nice in my hand, you have great balance and you're really easy to make holsters for, but......look please don't take this the wrong way, you're just too high maintenance for me. I know that sounds just really shallow and I'm sorry, but I have to be honest with you. We've been together for what......5 years? We've had some good times together, we really have. Like that time I won an indoor war using just you.

The problem is that I really can't rely on you anymore......I mean lately you've been breaking constantly, and randomly misfiring while I run......I've been up late before the last three LANO's trying to take care of you and make you feel better. However when I need some support, like when I finish off a Powerclip clip and get rushed......well......you usually just go off in my pants. No no, please don't cry, I'm not trying to be mean. It's not your fault that all of this happened, I know you were designed badly, and I know that my metal catch reconstruction might not of been the best thing for you, and I'm really sorry for that.

Oh come on, of course you're good looking enough! I mean you've got curves in the right places, no weird ammo holders sticking out, no stupid green color......No I never said your brass barrels had cellulite, honest. Look I know you're upset, I mean I am too......for years all I've wanted is you, while all the other nerfers dumped their Sharpshooter 2's and went for those Splitfire and LocknLoad trophy sidearms, I stayed true to you. No of course I don't regret it, I mean we've had some great moments together, I just......need someone who won't embarrass me in front of my friends. No I know you never MEANT too, but actions speak louder than words......I mean if I'm at a nerf war and I whip you out of your holster, I don't want to try to blast somebody only to realize the darts are still in the holster where you shot them. That's just embarrassing for me, you know?

Of course we can stay friends, don't be silly. I deeply value what we had for each other, and I definitely want to be your friend. No of course it won't be tense if we meet up on opposing sides of a nerf war, I mean I'd understand. Just......listen don't hook up with just anybody, take your time, find the right person. Somebody who will nurture you, reinforce your spring containment walls, lube up your plunger tube, you know that kind of thing. Don't ever let anybody tell you you're obsolete, that's simply not true. I mean sure there are guns that shoot farther, or faster, and are more reliable, but you have that timeless quality that none of them have. Look, I know this is hard for you, you know I'd never want to hurt you, but I just can't help these feelings I've been having lately. I mean it's ok that you misfire randomly, and yea you may take a lot of maintenance but I really do enjoy it......but I mean at the LANO last weekend, when I was being rushed and was out of PC ammo? Well I whipped you out and cocked you......and your plunger tube just broke right in half. Right in front of everyone. I'm sorry, but......that was just kind of the last straw for me. Aside from the welts I got because of that, it really wounded me on the inside......I mean it was embarrassing, you know how guys talk......I know you couldn't help it, but still......

Don't feel bad about this ok? This isn't your fault at all, it's nobody's fault, things just kind of happen like this sometimes and we have to take things in stride......I know it's hard now, it is for me too, but give it some time and I think you'll agree that this is the best thing for both of us. You deserve better than me, no really you do. No I'll be ok, don't worry about me, you need to take care of yourself right now. I mean we'll both find something else I'm sure. Well no of course I don't have any sidearm in mind, I mean come on......no well I mean I don't know specifically or anything......Well yea I was kind of thinking, I mean not really seriously or anything just kind of randomly. Well look I really don't want to go into that right now, I mean it doesn't really matter......Alright, ok, well I mean I was kind of thinking......you know not seriously or anything......well kind of, you know......like umm......a brass barreled Splitfire......Oh no, please don't cry.........Oh jeez......

Spoon