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The World Is Yours

My story i began to wright

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#1 canadiannerf

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Posted 10 April 2009 - 09:58 PM

Feel free to make corrections.



The world is yours...




If someone asked Johnathan what life ment, he would reply (Depends how you live.). How he lived... Was much less living and more sining. In the position he lived in presently.
Was more or less Hell. He moved constantly from city to city to avoid the law. The reason why. Hes has commited seven snipings, three assaults on officers and planted six bombs
wich two are yet to be detonated. Il give you a hint on where they are placed... New York, Old York. Whilst driving on the 401 high-way in a classic Shelby G.T.500. With a 429 with a blower popping out of the hood. Johnathtan made his way into the city.He arrives on Burnaby street 30 minutes later. To find it empty. That Street used to be
as packed as ummmm.... Something that is realy packed. He parks in the parking lot of his apartement. He passes threw the door of the lobby. know one was there. He takes the
elevator to the 12th floor. He unlocks the door to his apartement to find a S.W.A.T team of twelve. Seven with MP5s three with M4a1s two with Tazer loaded shotguns. Johnathan
draws to gold constructed Glock 19s and begins to fire at full auto. He runs down the fire exit stairs. He reaches the lobby. He smashes threw the glass doors. And makes his way to
the Shelby. He starts the car and drives threw the main gate.



He continues threw the streets of Toronto yet to find a highway leading out of the city all off the suddon Johnathan hears the distinct sound of a Barret .50 caliber. He spots
a large shadow on the ground. It seemed to be in the shape of a helicopter. He opens the glove conpartement and grabs a frag grenade. He opens the window removes the pin then
launches it straight up into the air. He looks back on to the road, the shadow was gone. For some reason the cops stopped chasing him.He found the 427 high-way and began to
drive to New York after one hour he stopped at a gas station. Whilst getting out of the shelby he spots a state trooper. He grabs a hat he had in his car and puts it on. He
fils the car with gas then drives of leaving the gas pump on the round still following he throws his ciggarete lighting it all to flame. After one hour on the highway he turns
the corner to find a road block of S.W.A.T vans and trucks he knew he was f***ed over. He got out of the car and lied down on the ground.











Thats all i got for know.

Edited by canadiannerf, 10 April 2009 - 10:54 PM.

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Plus, the regular cocking slide (Can't sig me now bitches! ) is much faster.

Muker

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If you are part of the 8% who would say "Jump B****, JUMP!!!!" . . .
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#2 k9turrent

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Posted 10 April 2009 - 10:02 PM

Crappy grammar, spelling, too much detail for this type of writing.
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QUOTE View Post

That's about it. And thanks Angela who helped me with these pictures.. It looks huge in her hands.


HOLY CRAP!

FU ALL

#3 Wes7143

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Posted 10 April 2009 - 10:03 PM

Full auto Desert Eagles? You need both hands on one to fire it in semi-auto, or it'll break your wrists. Can't imagine what dual wielding 2 of those things in full auto would do to your hands.

Edited by Wes7143, 10 April 2009 - 10:03 PM.

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QUOTE(VengefulWaffle)
Get off my boyfriend


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#4 canadiannerf

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Posted 10 April 2009 - 10:05 PM

I reread it and made some modifications i got caught up watching the jays game.


And it is possible to dual weild them on full -auto it was a .44 model i should have mentioned that.
  • 0
Plus, the regular cocking slide (Can't sig me now bitches! ) is much faster.

Muker

92% of teens would cry if Miley Cyrus was about to jump off a building.
If you are part of the 8% who would say "Jump B****, JUMP!!!!" . . .
Copy and paste this in your signature.

#5 ice

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Posted 10 April 2009 - 10:10 PM

Not a bad start, but I can type better than that...

Edited by ice, 10 April 2009 - 10:12 PM.

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<!--quoteo(post=206428:date=Jan 25 2009, 05:17 PM:name=Mukersman)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Mukersman @ Jan 25 2009, 05:17 PM) View Post</div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->
Turd stefans. When I pulled these out of the pillow case i was just like, what... the... fuck...
Muker
<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

#6 canadiannerf

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Posted 10 April 2009 - 10:11 PM

Not a bad start, but I can type better then that...




Im sorry im a french canadian and I am trying to wright the best i can.
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Plus, the regular cocking slide (Can't sig me now bitches! ) is much faster.

Muker

92% of teens would cry if Miley Cyrus was about to jump off a building.
If you are part of the 8% who would say "Jump B****, JUMP!!!!" . . .
Copy and paste this in your signature.

#7 BustaNinja

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Posted 10 April 2009 - 10:19 PM

What are these "tazer loaded shotguns"? and why doesn't our US riot force use them?

I also have to say, its way to detailed. You are focusing to much on the gear, equipment and on the action, taking every step, and not skipping anything. An action novel (from what I have read, and I actually like most of the ones I have read) don't need to describe everything. A pretty brilliant example of this is Hitman. I suggest you read it. Its the novel based on the games and movie. It takes the action really well, still describing the equipment and guns, but not dwelling on fantastical ideas and keeping it somewhat based in the real world.
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#8 canadiannerf

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Posted 10 April 2009 - 10:23 PM

I would be nice for some constructive criticism (most likely spelled wrong).
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Plus, the regular cocking slide (Can't sig me now bitches! ) is much faster.

Muker

92% of teens would cry if Miley Cyrus was about to jump off a building.
If you are part of the 8% who would say "Jump B****, JUMP!!!!" . . .
Copy and paste this in your signature.

#9 dizzyduck

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Posted 10 April 2009 - 10:25 PM

Present tense does not work well in narrative. Your pacing is convoluted and inconsistent, and your grammar needs serious revision. Right now I cannot read through it and get a clear understanding of what is happening.
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Duck off.
Art & Stuff

#10 BustaNinja

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Posted 10 April 2009 - 10:28 PM

I reread it and made some modifications i got caught up watching the jays game.


And it is possible to dual weild them on full -auto it was a .44 model i should have mentioned that.

Nope, still wrong. A .44 revolver will still toss your hand back, and not only do they not make full auto desert eagles, but the resulting recoil of the slide would, again, break your wrists. Have you actually fired these guns? Now if you pick a 9mm, like a Baretta, then you can talk about dual wielding. Other then that, any large caliber pistol round will just be too strong.

I mean, the .50 AE (another Desert Eagle and revolver caliber) is what the Beowulf is designed around, and its an M4A1 variant, and it will still kick more then an AK

And damn, I thought that was a rip off from splinter cell, but I guess not. Huh, but are they actually being used, or are they still in design phases?
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#11 Kyrativ

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Posted 10 April 2009 - 10:29 PM

Okay im no english scholar but heres some things to do:
-less extreme details
-less focus on the omg gunzerz swat dual wield deagles super rad blow em up stuff
-more flowing rather than, all of a sudden he was here! then here! and here!
-maybe more realistic, if some guy sniped 7 people, planted 6 bombs two of which in new york, and assualted 3 cops hes not going to be able to run from the law that easy.
-whats his name?
-dont appear in your own story ie:
"i'll give you a hint of where they are..."
-just overall more realism and less blow em up gun "badass" stuff right now you sound like a cross between a grade 7 obsessed with CoD4 and Michael Bay

I hope this Is not for a school project because teachers dont like to read this sort of story.
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#12 canadiannerf

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Posted 10 April 2009 - 10:30 PM

I reread it and made some modifications i got caught up watching the jays game.


And it is possible to dual weild them on full -auto it was a .44 model i should have mentioned that.

Nope, still wrong. A .44 revolver will still toss your hand back, and not only do they not make full auto desert eagles, but the resulting recoil of the slide would, again, break your wrists. Have you actually fired these guns? Now if you pick a 9mm, like a Baretta, then you can talk about dual wielding. Other then that, any large caliber pistol round will just be too strong.

I mean, the .50 AE (another Desert Eagle and revolver caliber) is what the Beowulf is designed around, and its an M4A1 variant, and it will still kick more then an AK

And damn, I thought that was a rip off from splinter cell, but I guess not. Huh, but are they actually being used, or are they still in design phases?



What if i switch it to a G19.
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Plus, the regular cocking slide (Can't sig me now bitches! ) is much faster.

Muker

92% of teens would cry if Miley Cyrus was about to jump off a building.
If you are part of the 8% who would say "Jump B****, JUMP!!!!" . . .
Copy and paste this in your signature.

#13 BustaNinja

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Posted 10 April 2009 - 10:38 PM

You mean a Glock 19? Sure. That would work. But whats wrong with some custom Berettas? I mean, you can extended slides and mag butts so they balance better when fired akimbo. And if you are hell bent on dual wielding in full auto, then go Mac11 or extended mag glocks. But go with the berettas. Lemme see if I can find a picture. Alot of movies use those as their "dual pistols"

http://world.guns.ru...guns/ber_89.jpg

I love these .22 pistols, and you could just say they were custom machined for regular 9mm Berettas.

Edited by BustaNinja, 10 April 2009 - 10:40 PM.

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#14 canadiannerf

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Posted 10 April 2009 - 10:41 PM

You mean a Glock 19? Sure. That would work. But whats wrong with some custom Berettas? I mean, you can extended slides and mag butts so they balance better when fired akimbo. And if you are hell bent on dual wielding in full auto, then go Mac11 or extended mag glocks. But go with the berettas. Lemme see if I can find a picture. Alot of movies use those as their "dual pistols"

http://world.guns.ru...guns/ber_89.jpg

I love these .22 pistols, and you could just say they were custom machined for regular 9mm Berettas.




Those dont interest me for some reason.
  • 0
Plus, the regular cocking slide (Can't sig me now bitches! ) is much faster.

Muker

92% of teens would cry if Miley Cyrus was about to jump off a building.
If you are part of the 8% who would say "Jump B****, JUMP!!!!" . . .
Copy and paste this in your signature.

#15 BustaNinja

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Posted 10 April 2009 - 10:46 PM

You mean a Glock 19? Sure. That would work. But whats wrong with some custom Berettas? I mean, you can extended slides and mag butts so they balance better when fired akimbo. And if you are hell bent on dual wielding in full auto, then go Mac11 or extended mag glocks. But go with the berettas. Lemme see if I can find a picture. Alot of movies use those as their "dual pistols"

http://world.guns.ru...guns/ber_89.jpg

I love these .22 pistols, and you could just say they were custom machined for regular 9mm Berettas.




Those dont interest me for some reason.

Any of the guns? I would go with the glocks if I were you. You don't have to explain why they are full auto, or why they have extended mags. It would eliminate alot of time in the explanation, something that the Hitman good could have solved by saying "He drew an ATM Hardballer Longslide". Saves time :)
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#16 canadiannerf

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Posted 10 April 2009 - 10:54 PM

UPDATE!!!!!
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Plus, the regular cocking slide (Can't sig me now bitches! ) is much faster.

Muker

92% of teens would cry if Miley Cyrus was about to jump off a building.
If you are part of the 8% who would say "Jump B****, JUMP!!!!" . . .
Copy and paste this in your signature.

#17 Homestarune

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Posted 11 April 2009 - 02:35 AM

Worst. Story. Ever.
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#18 Talio

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Posted 11 April 2009 - 03:29 AM

Not sure how this one fell through the cracks guys. Sorry. Must be slacking.
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